South-east Asia: Food Poisoning Capital of My Life
Back on the shores of Canadiana, I was convinced that I had been blessed with a gift from the gods, a gift of epic scope and dimension; the inability to get sick (provided I didn't do anything particularly foolish, such as play with dead animals or lurk around hospitals in the virus ward). Selfishly assuming that all hemisperes offer this gift, I gallantly decided to move to Korea and eat everything. As a result, over the course of the past 9 months or so I have been poisoned by my food:
4 times seriously
2 times not-so-seriously
This adds up to a total of 6. That is almost 1 bout of poisoning per six week period. Emperors targeted for assassination did not encounter poison this often. Nor did peasants eating lizards and unknown fungi in the woods.
Currently, I am recovering from a maddeningly excruciating rebellion of traitorous organs and insides that decided to contract gastroenteritis for no other reason than I happened to order ludricous caches of food from a restaurant that DID NOT have any label reading:
'WARNING TO POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS! - due to the lack of health standards and/or general cleanliness, all items ordered may potentially KILL you'
Such a warning could prevent similar future incidents. However, I am certain that within another 6 week period, provided that I do in fact continue to eat, I will assuredly contract another form of deadly poison or virus. By the time I return from Korea, I will probably be immune to just about everything, save for a well-aimed gunshot to the head.
posted by Simon at 8:44 PM
7 Comments:
I think the key is in the subconscious... for example, if you eat a large plate of raw fish, you must loudly declare that, "this WELL-COOKED fish is delicious!" and so forth. Thus dirty street meat becomes a grilled steak and wiggling squid tentacles become pasteurized cherry ice cream and so forth.
You must also say "and so forth" many times to boost your immune system to astronomical levels.
Have you considered these may just be the birth pangs of your evolution into an awsomely powerful superbeing? Perhaps your innards are in fact coating themselves with aluminum or naugahyde or some other equally useful substance which will, ultimately, thwart your foes...
hmmmmm, you may be right.....perhaps i am purging my old body in exchange for a new and glorious existence as a superbeing! oh my god, sweeeeeet!!
well i see my attempts thus far have failed to eliminate the wreckage that is your mind and soul from this earth. glad to know however that it was not all in vain as i have caused you much deserved pain. my gun and i await your return
maybe you should try eating a sword...you wouldn't get poisoned, and you could finally die (celestial vocals)
...and there would be much rejoicing
clearly you don't have enough iron in your diet, so maybe you should try eating a sword...you wouldn't get poisoned, and you could finally die (celestial vocals)
...and there would be great rejoicing...
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